4. Fear was his normal.
Updated: May 13
Our little caboose, Levi. I used to say to him "Levi, you are a sugar-baby full of..." and he would respond "SWEETNESS!" And he is. To know him, is to love him. He is the snuggliest, lovingest little guy ever. He would never let me get too far away before he would be back snuggled up in my lap. In fact, he would never let me get too far away. Period. We couldn't leave him anywhere, not even in the nursery at church. We would be called back, without fail, every single time, to retrieve him. Where most kids will settle down after their parent walks away... Levi became more frantic. After we gathered him back up, he would spend the next hour clinging tightly to my husbands neck. What a little sweet pea.
So, here we were, wrapping up his brother's appointment with the homeopathic doctor who blew my mind by identifying Zack's intense stomach pains as spiritual in nature. (Read about Zack's story in blog post 2 and 3)
When Dr. Lucy was finished with Zack, she turned her attention to Levi and commented that what was "on" him was far worse... Levi had been playing quietly a few feet away from us during Zack's appointment. I'll never forget this... she said "When you guys came up the stairs, I felt something very heavy and powerful on him. He's full of fear isn't he?"
By now our time was up and her next appointment was waiting. My head was already spinning because of the CRAZY things I had just heard her say during Zack's appointment so I decided I would wait and see what happened with Zack before making an appointment for Levi. At this point, I wasn't sure what to think about her. Or her diagnosis.
Boiling in our own pot.
Time would convince me that I had stumbled on a rare gem of a woman. That hour changed our lives forever. Zack's stomach pains never returned, and we watched in amazement as a new Zack emerged over the next several weeks. We watched his intensity fade out and his odd little quirky behaviors begin disappearing. We were rapidly becoming convinced that she was the real deal, so I made an appointment for Levi. Although, to us, little Leviticus was practically perfect in every way... she saw something that needed to be addressed and we decided to trust her on that.
We had not talked about Levi at all during Zack's appointment. So her comment, that Levi was "full of fear" was quite shocking to me, because she was absolutely right. Levi, now 5 years old, was terrified. All the time. He wouldn't sleep more than a foot or two away from me, and usually he would tuck himself right up next to me or my husband to fall asleep. When we tried to put him in a bed or crib of his own we could see his intense fear as he would grasp at us in panic. It was not worth it to us to cause that kind of fear in him, so we never pushed the issue assuming he would just outgrow it.
Levi had nightmares that rivaled any horror movie I've ever seen. He often dreamed of my death, or his daddy's, and on those mornings, he was especially clingy to us. He also had several recurring nightmares. The characters that showed up often in his dreams were a goat-man, a screaming woman with long hair, and a 'darkness' that moved along the floor towards him. The goat-man (head of a goat, body of a man) spoke to him in a language Levi didn't understand. (seriously, a goat. of all things. for the love...) He would take Levi from me and Levi's language would change to match the goat-man's so that when he called for me I couldn't understand him. The long haired woman would stare into the bathroom mirror screaming her never-ending scream. He said her mouth was 'too big.' And the darkness on the floor would always be getting closer and closer and it would speak to him and call his name. He would wake up just as it was about to overtake him. The darkness and the screaming woman were usually in the same dream creating a scenario where the darkness was behind him and the screaming woman in front of him and he wouldn't know how to escape one without moving towards the other. There were many nightmares that Levi would not even tell us because they were too scary for him to talk about. He got to the point where he would sit up in the bed between us trying to stay awake as long as he could to avoid his terrifying sleep. Often he would have dark bags under his eyes and I knew it was because he was so afraid but I just didn't know what to do about it, other than wait for him to outgrow it while making him feel as safe as we could.
In the master bedroom of our previous home (where Levi slept), there was no door to the vanity area of the master bath. Therefore, you could see part of the mirror from the bed. We call Levi our "second shifter" because he falls asleep later and wakes up later than everyone else. He would often wait in the bed for me to come get him after he was awake. When I would go in to get him, he would either be hiding under the blankets or staring into that bathroom, frozen in fear. When I would get over to him, he would jump into my arms and bury his head until we were safely out of the room. When he didn't wait for us to come get him, we would hear his feet hit the floor running. We would laugh and say "Here comes Levi!"
As a little guy, Levi could see things we couldn't. Honestly, it creeped us out. He would occasionally interact with something he was seeing behind us as we changed his diaper. I remember several times looking over my shoulder and asking him who or what he was seeing. Gave me the chills. My husband had the same experiences with him. Levi still recalls seeing figures walk up the stairs at our old house. I get the feeling there is a lot he didn't tell us about what he could see. Starting around 2 years old, he had one of those "imaginary friends" kids often have. This little girl, who had a very strange and uncommon name (I so regret not writing it down...) told Levi that she lived down the street and he knew, and would tell us, all about her and her family. He was very confused when we told him we couldn't see her and we didn't know her family.
But this was our normal. This was Levi's normal. It didn't occur to us that there was anything wrong, or anything that needed to be fixed. It's like the frog that sits contently in the pot of water as the heat gradually increases... We were in a boiling pot and didn't even realize it.
I made the appointment and we went to see the good doctor. Once again, she blew my mind. Although I could not deny that she hit the nail on the head with Zack, I was still really struggling with this idea of 'earthbounds.' I was hot on the trail, searching it out still when I came to this second appointment.
Spirit of Fear
She begins muscle testing, rapidly moving through questions, most she says out loud, but sometimes not... before you know what has happened, she has an initial diagnosis and you just sit there in awe of the whirlwind that you were just a part of. You're thinking, "My body just told you that???" And of course it did - because you just watched it happen. It's surreal. Anyway, for Levi, she said he had suffered a demonic attack when he was very little. She named the demonic players involved and she said that the Spirit of Fear has been with him ever since. Here's the crazy part - she said this attack happened in a bathroom and somehow a mirror was involved. If this is true, I knew it had to be the mirror in our old house, in the master bathroom. We knew he was afraid of that mirror. He had told us many times. This was the mirror he would be staring at waiting for us to come rescue him from the bed. Poor little guy... She asked him what he was most afraid of and he answered "Zombies" (people, he is 5. We have NEVER let him watch a zombie movie... why he's so afraid of zombies, I can't begin to understand). I chuckled a bit and began saying "I've told him zombies aren't real..." but Dr. Lucy cut me off and scolded me: "Oh no mama! When your child says he's afraid of something, no matter what he calls it, it's REAL to him. Whatever he's seeing that is scaring him, he's assigned the name zombies to it, but believe me, it is quite real." I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the appointment. Her truth smacked me in the face and it stung. I had not been taking Levi's fears seriously.
Later, while processing all this, I began putting things together. Now, looking back, I see it as though the Holy Spirit moved all the puzzle pieces into place for me. Suddenly I could see how all these random pieces come together to form a complete picture. This boy refused to potty train. He stayed in pull ups until he was almost 5 years old because he (frustratingly) refused to go potty on the toilet. A couple months prior to this appointment, I left him and his brother at a friend's house for a couple hours so I could do some shopping for his birthday. While there, he had wet his pants and was wearing a pair of his friend's jeans when I returned. My girlfriend said she didn't know why he wet his pants, she had encouraged him several times to go potty but he would not go in the bathroom. When I asked Levi about it, he said that he wouldn't go in because he was afraid the door would lock and he wouldn't be able to get out. Uhmm, ok... That's a little odd, but ok, whatever... Wetting his pants unfortunately had become kind of normal for him, and again we didn't think much of it. We figured 'this too shall pass.' We are pretty easy going as parents, and don't get too riled up about much. Without realizing it, our motto had become "They'll outgrow it!"
Anyway, a few weeks before the appointment, he and his brother were going to play at a different friend's house. I warned my friend that he tends to wet his pants, so maybe try insisting that he go in the bathroom now and then. A couple hours later, my friend called me. "Don't ever ask me to do that again. I will never do that to him again." Do what?? What in the world did I ask her to do that caused this reaction? She proceeded to tell me that she did what I asked and made Levi go into the bathroom. She closed the door behind him and soon realized that he hadn't come back out. She went to check on him and found him backed up against the bathroom wall crying, just terrified. Why couldn't I see that?? Why couldn't I see that he was scared to death of being in bathrooms by himself and THAT is why he always wet his pants, and THAT is why he refused to potty train for so long... Again, the water was boiling... but I didn't realize it. I'm that stupid frog. ribbit.
So back to the appointment...
Dr. Lucy prayed over Levi, commanded the Spirit of Fear and all his cronies to leave, blessed him and pleaded the blood of Jesus over him. She asked for healing and restoration, and that his memories of this attack would be sealed up... she prayed and decreed over him. Then she told him that if he ever feels afraid, just to call on Jesus. She taught him to say "Get away from me in the name of Jesus!" when he senses something scary near him, or sees those 'zombies.' She reset his energy, as she had also done for his brother, prescribed him an herbal remedy to help his body recover from the constant intense oppression it had been under. And we were done.
Now, I have a whole new can of worms to deal with theologically. A DEMONIC ATTACK on my child?? Is this possible?? My 5 year old has been suffering under the constant oppression of a literal demon? A spirit of fear? I had heard the phrase "spirit of fear" before, but never in a proper noun, title... name kind of way... My husband and I are saved. We know Jesus. We go to church. We pray... How could our son be attacked and oppressed by a demon in our own home? I decided not to make any decisions about this until I've seen if there are any changes in Levi... I wouldn't have to wait long.
A new Levi
There were changes. But quite honestly, I wasn't sure I liked one in particular. The first thing I noticed... he was no longer my little cuddle bear. As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, I'm with my kids all day, every day and several times a day, little Levi-love would come to me and say "Come on Mom, let's snuggle," and for the next 5 or 10 minutes we would be hunkered down in a comfy chair or under a blanket on the couch together. This was our routine throughout the day. About 2 or 3 days after the appointment, I realized that Levi was not asking for his "snuggle time" nearly as much, and when he did, it was too quick! I would stop what I was doing, go sit down expecting to be there for the next 10 minutes but within a few seconds he acted restless and would be off to play again. It was like he was doing this out of habit, but the need behind the actions were gone... OK wait, I am not certain I approve of this change! This is my baby - my caboose! I've grown quite accustomed to him needing me in this way! Selfish? Yes, perhaps. But quite true still! What I came to realize was that his need for "snuggle time" was rooted in the constant state of fear he was living in. When the source of the fear was gone, the need for my reassurance of safety was gone too.
He became more bold and confident. When we visited our friends and family over the next several months, we started hearing comments like "Wow, Levi has really come out of his shell!" This boy who would hide behind us, clutching our legs was suddenly talking to everyone and anyone. It even surprised him! After speaking with a man in a store once, he looked at me and said "I used to be afraid to talk to people, but I decided to be a man about it." He would often make these kinds of comments about his new found confidence... he felt different, he took notice, and he made sure I noticed too. He would beam at me after building up the courage to speak to someone he didn't know. Before long, it was just his new normal. No more hiding in fear behind our legs. No more getting his brother to be his mouthpiece. He was now stepping in front of us and leading the way. Amazing.
We had no more problems with him going in the bathroom no matter where he was. We no longer had to carry extra clothes everywhere we went. I believe Dr. Lucy's prayer to "seal up" the memory of the source of this oppression was answered. It was as if he forgot he was afraid of bathrooms.
His overall fear dissipated completely. Where before, he would never, and I mean NEVER walk upstairs on his own, he now roamed freely through the house, day or night, didn't matter. But here's the big one... the cream filling... the cherry on top... the proof in the pudding... within DAYS of the appointment, Levi asked for his own bed.
We went shopping right away and for the first time ever he was picking out his own dinosaur sheets. People, within one week of seeing Dr. Lucy, he was sleeping in his own bed. This is huge, friends. HUGE. This is the boy that panicked if you tried to get him to sleep more than 2 feet away from you. The thought of sleeping in another room absolutely terrified him; until now. It was literally like he forgot why he was afraid.
2 years later...
At the time of this writing, Levi's appointment with Dr. Lucy was two years ago. Levi is now 7 years old and still the sweetest little honey-bun ever there was, but it's a different kind of love. Where he used to constantly need your love, your physical touch, your reassurance; now he just freely gives his love away to everyone. His intention is different, where he was needing love, he now gives it away. Oh my heart... It took me a long time to get used to this change in him, but I would never want him to go back to the way he was, as much as I loved our daily "snuggle times."
After he began sleeping in his own bed, our nighttime prayers started looking a little different. One night, just a few days after that appointment, I prayed that Jesus would send angels to guard and protect him while he slept. He looked around and said "He sent 6 angels mom!" and then proceeded to point them out to me... 2 outside the windows, 2 by the bed and 2 in hall... After that, we BOTH gained confidence in our prayer life! He has had nightmares on occasion since the appointment, but he has learned that this is just a trick of the enemy to make him afraid again and he fights it tooth and nail. He commands the enemy to leave him alone and asks Jesus for angels to fight for him... He refuses to let fear overtake him. He sees it as a spiritual battle now, one that he wins. every. time. He has seen such personal victory in this area that he now knows his authority over this enemy. His confidence in this area is hard-won, and no one can take that away from him. He's a battle tested warrior, at 7 years old.
This boy is so spiritually in tune at his young age, he surprises me with his understanding of spiritual matters. He will say things to me and I just stare at him mouth hanging open... Recently he did this, and I asked "Where did you hear that Levi? I've never told you that." He just shrugged and said "I just know." All I can say is the force is strong with this one...
Thanks for reading our story! Feel free to contact me anytime if you feel you may be dealing with a spirit of fear in your house.
Continue reading... go to Post 5
Go to the Truth Quest post about Demons...
Levi is 10 years old now and recently received recognition for good character his school. The first 2 sentences his teacher wrote sums up this little man quite well:
"Levi has a beautiful, loving and kind spirit. He is helpful to his friends and contributes thoughtful and in depth responses during our Bible classes..."